Take your pick – do you want one shade of gold, or fifty shades of grey? So many folks think that remaining a virgin until marriage, and then staying married and faithful to one partner is boring. Or worse – you marry the wrong person, because you didn’t experiment first. So the goal is to have sex with and live with a few folks before you settle down. But studies reveal the truth. Those wearing gold wedding bands before having sex tend to be happily married and have a great sex life. Don’t take my word for it, here is a quote from the study.
“What’s more, couples who delay sex until their wedding night have more stable and happier marriages than couples who have premarital sex, according to the study, which appears in the Journal of Family Psychology. The study involved 2,035 married participants in an online assessment of marriage called “RELATE.” According to the study people who waited until marriage: rated sexual quality 15% higher than people who had premarital sex, rated relationship stability as 22% higher, rated satisfaction with their relationships 20% higher. The benefits were about half as strong for couples who became sexually active later in their relationships but before marriage.” http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/news/20101227/theres-benefits-in-delaying-sex-until-marriage
My parents divorced when I was seven years old, so I was a bit anxious about my chances of a happy marriage. My aunt and uncle had what seemed to be a wonderful marriage. When he died I went to visit my aunt who was grieving. I asked her a question, “What was the best memory of your marriage?”
Glenn was handsome, smart, kind, a hard worker. He had survived a horrible explosion in the Air Force while he was engaged to marry my Aunt Jeannie. He thought she would not marry him, since he was burned over a huge portion of his body. She married him while he was still recovering in the hospital. While in the Air Force they lived in some amazing places all over the world – Okinawa, Bermuda, and finally a lovely old farm in central Pennsylvania, where he drove up the mountains in a Jeep and took us swimming at World’s End.
I thought Aunt Jeannie would certainly mention one of these great experiences. She got quiet for a minute, thinking. Then she spoke the unexpected, “The best memory would have to be sex. Oh, we haven’t been able to have sex for several years, but that would still be the BEST. The BEST part of our marriage.”
Wow! I got a slow, wry smile on my face. I had been happily married for about twenty-five years, and the answer made perfect sense to me. It had seemed that there would have been some noble, righteous answer, but there just wasn’t. Sex was the best. I got it. But why?
To find the answer let this church lady go back to the beginning. Sex was (and still is) the bond that makes one man and one woman become one flesh. Adam had one wife. Eve had one husband. This was the ideal. As time went by many men were polygamous, but this was not the ideal. By the time Paul wrote a letter to Timothy he encouraged the churches to be sure the bishops were the husbands of one wife.
We do not live in a perfect world. But, as parents we want to try and give our children the best chance at the best marriage. This involves teaching them to wait for sex until they make a lifetime marriage commitment. It involves setting an example of self sacrifice and love for our spouse. It involves protecting our children from pornography and sexual abuse. Sexual experimentation after marriage is fine, when it involves LOVE, not torture. The first night after the wedding is just the beginning in a loving, caring relationship.
I recall coming across the book “Lolita” while babysitting for the neighbors. I was only fourteen. What I read in that book colored my thinking, and not in a good way, for years. How much better it would have been had my first remembrance of sex been my wedding night. But you can’t go back and erase what is branded in your brain. Sexual abuse, pornography, and sexual experimentation with multiple partners before a lifetime commitment destroys the soul. Healing may take a lifetime, much like trying to remove unwanted tattoos.
If you want to plant some wonderful sexual ideas in a young person’s fertile mind before marriage, give them a copy of Song of Solomon. Here are some verses that will excite you.
She: “While the king was at his table, my perfume spread its fragrance. My lover is to me a sachet of myrrh resting between my breasts. My lover is to me a cluster of henna blossoms from the vineyards of En Gedi.”
He: “How beautiful you are, my darling.! Oh, how beautiful! Your eyes are doves.”
She: “How handsome you are, my lover! Oh, how charming! And our bed is verdant.”
Song of Solomon 1:12-16
Joseph Dillow has written an excellent book regarding sex in marriage. It is based on the poetic information in Song of Soloman and called appropriately, “Solomon on Sex”. You might want to buy and read this book for more details from this amazing ancient text.
Here is an old song about that band of gold, sung by Don Cherry in 1955.